By Mountaine Jones
I was lucky. The first time I went to a radical faerie gathering (Fall 1992 at Short Mountain), my orientation included where to eat, where to sleep, where to pee and poop, and where to gather for heart circles. (Thank you, Glenn!) I understood heart circles to be, literally, the “heart” of the gathering, the place where we paid attention to each other in a deep way. I knew I could have fun socializing, hanging out for hours over coffee and conversation, giving lots of focus to dress-up and drag and theatre, and ritualizing and partying together. But when I got to a heart circle, I knew immediately that it was different. Here I could be very, very real.
Since then, I’ve experienced many glorious hours of listening deeply to my fellow faeries, and then having the talisman passed to me, enticing me to dig deeply into myself, so as to find something to say that mattered. Because I love this format so much, I want to share that love, dear reader, with you! Note that these comments and views are my own (except when others are quoted), so enjoy them with a grain of Celtic sea salt…
History
Most faeries think of the origins of the heart circle as native American. Many articles can be found on the Internet which refer to an old tradition of bringing a decorated “talking stick” or an eagle feather to council meetings or other gatherings, and using it as a sacred object to indicate who “had the floor”, so to speak, in discussions. But this seems to have varied greatly depending on the tribe.
In recent years, Clyde Hall has become well known among many faeries, through his attendance at Breitenbush gatherings in Oregon, and also through his sharing the ancient ceremony of healing and renewal known as “The Naraya: A Dance for All People” at the Wolf Creek and Short Mountain faerie sanctuaries. Clyde is a Shoshone/Metis elder – an acknowledged authority on Native American culture. I asked him about the “talking stick”, and he said it wasn’t part of his tribe’s traditions. “Growing up on the reservation and attending all kinds of meetings and ‘doings’ as a child and young adult,” Clyde said, “a stick was never used. When men got together to have a discussion of importance, the pipe was smoked. When that ceremony was done, and the pipe was taken apart, then the matter at hand was discussed again. It was just a simple courtesy that the person speaking was not interrupted (part of our unwritten teachings on social conduct called the tenni-wapp) and given due respect. I do think it’s funny that here on the reservation, the people use a stick now, in talking circles and at certain other times. So it has become a ‘tradition’ amongst the Shoshone people, but a new one!”
It is clear that the tribes of the Iroquois used an object called a “roll call cane” or “condolence cane” to focus their sharing. Charlie Patton, a Mohawk elder who attends some of the Naraya ceremonies, spoke of this with Clyde, who recalls: “Apparently the cane was passed at the beginning of long house ceremonies or other meetings to the various ‘bands’ or clan chiefs, to identify who was in attendance at the meeting. It was a kind of check-in, and speeches were said as well at that time. (It must have been a long check in!) Charlie told me it was called a condolence cane because when the cane was first presented to the clan chief by the women (who chose the leader), it was what gave him his authority and recognition. The women felt sorry for him, because of the heavy burden of leadership that was now his, so it was called ‘condolence cane’ for that reason.”
In some tribes, if a person wanted to bring up a potentially contentious issue, they would bring their own stick to a meeting, and hold it while speaking; sometimes there was an “answering feather” which was passed to others who wanted to respond. In other tribes, it was traditional to hang a “talking stick” on the west wall of the home. Any family member was empowered to take it down when they felt the need for a serious discussion. As soon as someone held the stick, all other work stopped, the family sat in a circle, and the person who had retrieved the stick expressed concerns. Then the stick was passed, and others shared their feelings about the topic, until some kind of resolution was achieved.
There are also reports that the use of a “talking stick” is found in cultures around the world. In modern times, it began to be used widely in the 1970s, as the “human potential movement” gained momentum, and people saw the value of listening deeply to each other. The early faery circles were closely related to this movement, but at some point in the mid-70s the words “heart circle” were adopted, and the word “talisman” began to be used for the ritual object that was passed. I haven’t been able to discover when or why this happened, but I have a guess. Faeries feel free to pass any object which they see as sacred, and that object need not be a stick. In addition, many faeries feel the importance of avoiding “appropriation” of traditional cultures, and changing the name of the object serves to reinvent its use in a faerie way, rather than refer to what is perceived as a native American style of sharing.
Mechanics
The essence of a heart circle is the creation of a safe container, in which participants feel free to speak from their hearts without concern for being judged, criticized, or given unwanted advice. There are a variety of ways of creating the safety of the container. In general, the more consciousness and care is brought to the process, the more likely it is to be meaningful.
In many cases, especially when there are people in the circle who are new to heart circles, a facilitator is selected to help provide structure. Depending on the local tradition and the style of the facilitator, there may be an opening ritual to help focus the container. At a large gathering, it is common to call for announcements first; this allows the heart circle to be focused more on feelings than on upcoming events. A tarot card may be drawn to give a theme to the circle, or the facilitator may suggest a theme (with the caveat that sharing outside the theme is welcome too). A guided visualization for grounding may be offered before the talisman is passed.
Typical guidelines given by the facilitator might include:
- For each person in the circle, far more time is spent listening than talking. Listen deeply and well. Stay focused – no “cross-talk” or side conversations. Avoid using your listening time to think about what you are going to say when the talisman comes to you! The deepest sharing is often unplanned and spontaneous.
- Don’t interrupt the person speaking – only the person holding the talisman is empowered to speak. And when it comes your turn to share, avoid commenting on something another person shared, other than what it brought up in your own heart.
- When the talisman is passed to you, before you speak, you might want to study it for a moment, to see if it brings up any images in your mind that lead into your first words. This is one way to start sharing from the moment, spontaneously.
- Say your name [and pronouns] before you begin to speak. This is not only so people get to know your name – it’s also a way of bringing your full self present in the moment.
- Speak from the heart! This is difficult to define, but it probably includes an emphasis on feelings over thoughts and beliefs.
- Use “I” statements whenever possible, not sentences with “we” or “you”. You have full authority to speak of your own experience, but don’t assume that others feel the same way.
- If you choose not to speak, that’s okay.
- Pass the “talisman” in a sunwise (clockwise) direction, so it moves from you to the person on your left. This has the ritual feel of weaving a web among the participants.
- Once the talisman has been around the circle once, it is up to the facilitator or the group dynamic whether it is passed again or not. One option is that a second round is for those who didn’t speak the first time. After that, the circle may end, or the talisman may be put in the center for anyone who would like to pick it up and speak again, or it may be passed around multiple times until everyone feels complete.
- “What is spoken in the circle stays in the circle.” This means that it is inappropriate to repeat someone’s heart circle sharing in a social or gossipy setting. If you want to discuss what a participant said with them later, ask for permission first. (Sometimes everyone is asked to commit to this verbally before the circle begins.)
In smaller circles, or circles in which the participants are experienced with the format, the role of the facilitator can end once the guidelines are established.
At the end, participants may join hands and sing a closing song together, or choose some other way of completing their work together.
“Silence during a Heart Circle is a blessing”, says Mohabee. “This is one of the few times many in the circle get to really witness silence, which may not occur very often in their lives. Those who attend heart circles regularly know it’s best to treat silence reverently, and to practice patience. Rarely does someone break the silence that might occur in a circle.”
Pitfalls
Sometimes a heart circle becomes very unpleasant for one or more participants if they feel disempowered by the structure or facilitation style. Here are some suggestions for minimizing this:
Don’t apply the guidelines too strictly; don’t interrupt someone’s sharing in order to enforce the guidelines. One of my most painful moments in heart circle was a time when guidelines had been stated clearly, but as often happens, several people (including me) made the mistake of using the word “we” rather than “I” a few times. After being interrupted and corrected harshly, it was very difficult for me to find a way back to feeling safe in that circle.
Don’t indulge in “hijacking” the circle for a personal agenda. Heart circle is not a place for announcements, or gossip, or badmouthing someone who’s offended you. If people start sharing in these ways, the feeling of safety can be seriously compromised.
Are people allowed to come and go? Allowing someone to join who wasn’t present for the opening can cause difficulty if the new person isn’t familiar with the guidelines. Usually, among faeries, that is a risk that is taken, to allow for as much openness as possible. But it can backfire if a strong container has been created, and someone joins the circle without the sensitivity to pay close attention.
Some faerie traditions make a distinction between a “check in” (a quick round, intended to share names and maybe a sentence or two) and a more open-ended circle. A “check in” is especially valuable when there are many people in the circle, and some would like a quick taste before moving on to another activity. If the distinction between these is unclear, and people enter a “check in” circle without understanding that the sharing must be kept very short (or if they don’t want to restrict themselves to that), uncomfortable chaos can ensue. Often, if a “check in” format is used, those who want a longer circle may reconvene once the “check in” is completed.
Glories
I asked some faeries for their comments on the power of heart circles, so this article wouldn’t be entirely in my “voice”. In response, Teddy Bare said it’s all about connection. He broke this down into three aspects:
“Connection with one’s self: You are speaking of your feelings and your life situations. You do this sharing in a safe and supportive environment, where you are free to look at parts of yourself that you may have been avoiding.
“Connection with others: You are revealing information about yourself that you may not have revealed to the general public. You do this so as to be more genuinely known by those who are present in the circle.
“Connection as community: While each person is sharing, the others are listening: listening with their ears, minds and hearts–empathizing with the speaker, providing a space for them to reveal that which they keep protected. Because people in the heart circle really care about what is being said, and really care about the people who are saying it, a communal bonding is created.”
Len sent an evocative email beginning with the words “the trick or not the trick is…” and then went on to describe his experience: “The person across the circle from you says something that stirs your heart and you want to respond. But you hold, let go, and listen. And as others let go and add new heart to the circle, what you are holding will be let go by someone else. So pretty soon your heart is exploding with love! Now comes the hard part – the talisman finally reaches you, and you are so welled up with love that you want to dance/sing/chant/cheer/cry/scream. Instead, what you do is let go further, and let the silence speak. Sorta like a bardo thodol experience, a satori, a snap into cosmic awareness. So the reward for paying attention with your heart is peace! Self-discipline in the fine tuning of the heart is what heart circles are all about. Listening from the heart blasts the I-centric of me/I/mine into a group-centered consciousness of the unlimited.”
As for me, a fond memory is sitting in a little pavilion on a gorgeous beach in Thailand, the last day of an Asian faerie gathering, surrounded by about 10 guys from almost as many countries, listening to their very diverse experiences of love life, work life, queer life, faerie life – whatever truly mattered to them. I don’t remember what I said – I just remember how much pleasure I got from listening! A note from my journal emphasized “standing in a circle, losing the perception of separate beings around me, feeling the all-that-is oneness within while connected to others’ hands”.
Another time, I was in the midst of a decision about whether or not to travel to Europe. The talisman came to me, and it took a few minutes for my words to meander to this issue. I realized as I spoke about it that I had been thinking (assuming) the decision was a monetary one. That led to clarity: the choice didn’t need to be based on funds – it was more a matter of whether I needed to go or not, whether it fit with my ongoing interest in uplifting myself and the planet. I made a commitment (faeries and talisman as witnesses) to explore the choice from this new perspective. Within a day, I had decided to go. Within days, the money fell into place with little effort.
Harry Hay felt his last gift to the world was the “daisy chain sex magick” workshop, an 8-day intensive experience based on the group discovering itself through heart circles. I attended one of these events with 12 men, and was amazed (again) at the self-awareness and the awareness of others that emerged. In particular, one person shared something personal which was very difficult for the group to deal with, and it took 2 or 3 days of full-day-long heart circles to come to resolution. For me, the process of digging more and more deeply for what was real (beyond opinion or belief) was a revelation.
Dozens of times, I have been present in circle when someone has announced the taking of a new faerie name. It’s always marvelous to respond in the traditional faerie way, saying that person’s new name three times, and it feels particularly strong when witnessed in a heart circle.
Not all radical faeries appreciate heart circles. I am often shocked and saddened when someone expresses this – the excuse is usually an aversion to being forced to listen to negative people ranting and venting and complaining. But in a circle with clear guidelines, when negativity is expressed, it’s a huge gift. In our world, safe space to express the “shadow”, the darker sides of our lives, is difficult to come by. And how else can we deal with fear and pain, integrating them into our larger life experience, than by speaking them and being heard? Often I feel that avoiding heart circles is a way of avoiding both the “shadow” and the potential for bliss that can result from embracing all of who we are.
It takes courage and discipline to set aside an hour or two or more to be devotedly real. When a heart circle is available, it’s often up to each individual to choose to be there or not. May these words provide inspiration for more radical faeries to allow the sweetness of heart circles into our lives.